And you’ll meet her, Mamma. You’ll love her too. Yeah? You will love the one I marry too. She’ll be like a daughter to you. And she’ll love you too…
“She did,” I whispered to my mamma in the empty room. “She came here and met you, Mamma. And she loved you. She held your cheek and she loved you, I could see it in her eyes.” I smiled a weak smile. “You would have loved her too. You’d have loved her so much, my silent girl. Bella mia.”
I blinked through the blur of my tears, and looked up at my mamma’s face. I gripped my rosary tightly and asked, “Why does everyone leave me, Mamma? Why does everything have to be so hard? For everyone? Why did we have to have the pop we did? Why did you have to get sick? Why did Axel have to go to prison? Why did Lexi nearly die? Why did Austin have to look after me when he was practically a kid himself? And why did I not get to know you like my brothers did? Why did you get taken away before I truly knew you, and you knew me?” My tears poured down my face. “And why did my Elsie get her shitty life? Because she’s perfect, Mamma. So beautiful. She’s been through so much, yet she has the kindest sweetest heart I’ve ever known. But those girls tore her down. How can anyone tear anyone so fragile down? My Elsie, my girl?” My throat clogged and I hushed out, “And why did she leave me? Where has she gone? I… I love her, Mamma. So much. I love her so much…”
I dropped my head and brought the rosary to my bowed head, praying and praying that she’d be safe.
I didn’t hear the shuffle of feet until two people sat beside me. I wiped at my eyes, only to see Austin and Axel sat on my either side.
My face heated with embarrassment at what they might have heard, at seeing me fall apart. But they didn’t say anything. Austin rested his head back against the angel and I suddenly found myself against Axel’s chest, his big hand on my head as he pressed a kiss into my hair.
I tried to pull back, but he held me still. My big brother wasn’t letting me go. Letting it all out, I fisted his sweater and fucking broke apart. Axel’s arms held tight, and nothing was said as I purged everything I’d held back for years. All the damn pain. But most of all, the heartbreak that was killing me at Elsie being gone.
When my eyes ached and my throat burned, I turned my head, breathing in the cool air, and said in a croaky voice, “Thanks, Axe.”
Axel dropped another kiss on my head. “I heard you, Lev. We both did, and let me tell you something now, kid, the best days of your life are in front of you, you just gotta wade through the shit to get there first.”
Axel’s words soothed something inside, but I said, “She’s gone, Axe. I don’t know where the hell she is.”
“So you’re gonna give up?”
I sat up straighter, pulling back from Axel’s chest. “No, I ain’t giving up, but where do I go from here?”
Austin’s hand landed on my bent knee, when I saw something on the floor before us. My heart swelled seeing that pretty face staring back at me. I turned to Axel. “You finished it,” I stated, taken back by the realism, by the perfect likeness.
“Today,” Axel said. “Came over to give you it, and as I did, I saw you ripping outta the driveway.” Axel pointed at Austin. “Aust told me what happened with little Els, and I knew where we’d find you.”
I closed my eyes and breathed though my nose. When I opened my eyes, I said, “It’s the only place that calms me down when I lose it. I… I copied one of your keys a while back.”
Axel nodded, but said, “I get it, Lev, I do. But this ain’t Mamma, those rosary beads ain’t Mamma. You gotta start living right, not in the past, not making these tributes, these possessions, a shrine to all that you’ve lost. You gotta move past the grief, Lev. Mamma would want you to live. All she ever wanted was for us all to be happy.”
“I can’t move on, I’ve tried,” I rasped. “I’m sick of everyone leaving me. Mamma, you, now Elsie. She’s gone and I feel like I can’t breathe at the thought of where she is and what’s happened to her.”
“Then find her,” Axel said as though I hadn’t been looking for her all day.
“We’ve been everywhere we can think of, Axe,” Austin answered for me. “She wasn’t anywhere.”
“She’s somewhere, everyone goes somewhere when their broken,” Axe said and looked to me. “You’re here, kid, with this sculpture of Mamma, where you always come. Where would Elsie go? Where does she feel most calm?”
I shook my head, having no idea, when I caught sight of the marble sculpture Axel had just finished and I straightened.
“I think I know where she’ll be,” I said, and jumped to my feet. I reached into my pocket for my keys, and looked back at my brothers. “I gotta go and get her.”
Axe smirked and got to his feet too. He pulled me into his chest, and said into my ear, “You may not be exactly like me and Aust, Lev, but you’re still a fucking Carillo. You fucking rise when the moment counts. Go get your girl.”